[Smlug] My screenplay

Bill Maloy bill.maloy at gmail.com
Sun Mar 3 22:21:32 EST 2019


Feedback appreciated.
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[Familiar bedroom seen, with Bill Maloy talking to the 
 camera, introducing "Pickleball Breackup Song #5:
 Wow. Just. Wow.  An Apple Powerbook can be seen
 on the bed. He shares the news of his recent
 selection into "Team ProLite", but is interrupted by 
 a Facetime call on the laptop ... presumably from 
 his daughter, Elizabeth, in Spain.  He apologizes
 and says he should take this call.  On the screen,
 is an image of "Future Bill", who is not very happy..."

Future Bill: Hey
Bill: Hey
F: What did you do?
B: What do you mean?
F: Every time you share some news about future events, it creates a 
   causality paradox that ripples forward in time.
B: So?
F: It builds up to, basically, a Sonic Boom, and suddently my timeline
   is in a parllel universe.
B: Huh?
F: My blue shirt suddenly changes to being green, for example.
B: That doesn't sound so bad.
F: Oh no?  Did you apply for that job at White Sands?
B: No, the Job ID you gave me hasn't show up, yet.
F: It won't.
B: But you showed me a picture of my office.
F: I know.
B: And a picture of my half-lot at the RV Park.
F: I know.
B: And that run-down class-C RV that I get from that Pickleball couple
   in Jackson.
F: None of that happens, now.
B: Why?
F: Do you remember what I shaid about Ta e Rules?
B: Yeah, but I thought they were more like "guidelines."
F: No, they're *rules*. Not to be broken. Ever.
B: Ok.
F: So who did you tell?
B: I told the guys at work.
F: And?
B: Well, I sorta also posted on Facebook.
F: Sh#t!
B: Hey, Language Warning!
F: Did it occur to you that your sister-in-law might actually *know*
   the Head of the I.T. department at White Sands HQ?
B: Um, no.
F: And that instead of going on that ski trip to Colorado he's still at
   the office trying to find out if his job is in jeopardy?
B: Oh sh#t!
F: Language Warning!
B: Hey, that's funny.
F: Am I laughing?  Do you *see* me laughing?
B: So the guy doesn't go to Colorado this weekend?
F: No.
B: And he isn't involved in a fatal traffic accident?
F: No.
B: So the Job ID you gave me doesn't exit?
F: Not in your timeline, no.
B: So I'm *not* going to New Mexico?
F: Not this year.
B: So when?
F: 2025.
B: Six years from now? Really?!
F: Unless you do something majorly stupid, again.
B: Like ...
F: Like post this on Facebook.
B: Ok, I won't do that.
F: Good.
B: So do I live at the RV park?
F: No.
B: Where do I live?
F: In a mansion.
B: A mansion?!
F: Well, more like a *palace*, actually.
B: Hey, cool.  But on an I.T. Supervisor's salary?
F: No.  Something else happens.
B: Tell me.
F: No way.
B: Tell me.
F: No. I can't risk another causality paradox.  That last one was pretty epic.
B: Ok. I guess I can just be surprised.
F: Yeah.
B: It's *folding*, isn't it?
F: Yeah.
B: It works, doesn't it?
F: Yeah.
B: So ... what?  World fame?
F: Yeah.
B: Lots of travel, interviews, seminars and stuff?
F: *Exactly*
B: Is it using the C-Code, or the FPGA?
F: FPGA.
B: But I don't do Digital Design, yet.
F: You will.
B: Cool! When?
F: I'm not gonna tell you that.
B: Why?
F: Because you'll ...
[in unison] post it on Facebook
F: Exactly!
B: Ok, well, I'll just be patient, I guess.
F: Good.
B: How are you doing this, anyway?
F: How am I doing what?
B: How are able to Facetime me from the future?
F: (sigh) I have to tell you that every time I'm able to find you, again.
B: Huh?
F: Every time you run Facetime, I'm able to contact you in your existing timeline.
B: When I'm on the Internet?
F: Yeah.
B: On my laptop?
F: As long are you're on an Apple Powerbook made after 2013.
B: Cool.
F: Yeah.
B: How does that even work?
F: MacOS X version 17.
B: 17?
F: Yeah.  With Facetime in my timeline, you can contact your former self ... in the past.
B: No way!
F: Yes, way.  Every A10 and subsequent process contains a quantum-entangled bank of Q-Bits ...
   that have a corresponding collection within iCloud.
B: Really?
F: Really.  Apple thought they'd use them for unbreakable encryption, but now they're using
   them for something else.
B: Like what?
F: Like encoding video and send it into the past, silly.
B: That's impossible.
F: Nope.  You know that "spooky action at a distance" stuff that Einstein said disproved the
   standard model of Quantum Field Theory?
B: Yeah.  People are using that to encrypt fiber traffic, now.
F: I know.
B: Yeah, I guess you *would* know that, wouldn't you?
F: Yeah.  Well what your timeline *doesn't* yet know is that it also allows for "spooky
   action at a distance *time*", as well.
B: Ah!  That's pretty ingenious.  Who comes up with that?
F: An engineer at Apple named Fred Peterson.
B: What is he, a physicist?
F: No, a programmer.
B: A *programmer* came up with that idea?
F: No.
B: So how does he enable that feature of iCloud and Facetime?
F: *You* tell him.
B: What?
F: Write this down ...
B: So, I'm supposed to now go and find a pen?
F: Look inside your inside left jacket pocket.
B: Oh, yeah.  Duh.  Go ahead ...
F: Write his down: Fred dot Peterson at blackops dot apple dot come.
B: Got it.
F: Send him an email before March 13.
B: What happens on March 13?
F: He starts a new job at Google.
B: So *I* have to give him that idea?
F: Yeah.
B: *Before* March 13.
F: Yeah.
B: Or no Facetime calls from myself from the future?
F: Correct.
B: But what if I don't ... and he starts that job at Google?
F: But you will.
B: How do you *know* I will?
F: Because I was able to *make this call* using MacOS X version 17.
B: Ok. I think I've got it.
F: Good.  And no more posting info about future events.
B: Ok.
F: Another causality paradox, and I'll have to find you on the Internet, somewhere
   further back in the past, again, and it took forever for me to find you in that
   Wyndham familty hotel at the Atlanta Open.
B: But I'm not staying at a Wyndham.  I'm staying with James and Phyllis.
F: That falls through.
B: Why?
F: I'd rather not tell you that, ok?
B: Does it concern Joni?
F: Yeah.
B: Ok. 'nuff said.  Does she get remarried in your timeline?
F: Yes, but not to who you might think.
B: Ok. But does she live "happily ever after"?
F: Yeah.
B: Well, *that's* good, anyway.  Who does she marry?
F: Well, not *him*.
B: No?
F: No.
B: Why?
F: "Joe S." takes him to the cleaners.
B: I don't know anyone named "Joe S."
F: Yes you do.
B: No, I *don't*.
F: I *know* that you do.
B: If you say so.
F: And don't forget: No more Facebook posts.
B: Ok.
F: Anything else?
B: Do I get that ProLite sponsorship?
F: No.
B: But why not?
F: Because even after I told you not to post about it, you went and did it *anyway*, and 
   now someone at Selkirk, surprisingly enough, gets the same idea.  From *you*!
B: Well sh#t!
F: Language Warning!
B: That's still not funny.
F: I know.  I can't help it.
B: So I have to pay my own expenses to Indian Wells?
F: Yup.
B: All because I couldn't keep my mouth shut?
F: Yup.
B: Well sh#t!
F: Language Warning!
B: Still not funny.
F: I know.
B: But I get to live in a palace?
F: Yeah, unless you screw something up, again.
B: Ok, I'll be good.
F: Ok.
B: But if I don't?
F: What do you mean?
B: What if I go ahead and post future info, anyway, and it causes another causality paradox?
F: Yeah, don't do that.
B: But if I do?
F: Well, I'm running out of opportunities to contact you within any more distant past timelines
   to fix things.  You don't really use Facetime all that much.
B: Well, if I had *known* I would have.
F: Yeah.
B: What about the Sunday Facetime calls from Liz at the Ranch?
F: I can't use them.
B: Why?
F: Because Joni was there.
B: Oh, yeah.  I knew that.
F: I know you knew that.
B: Duh!  And she would find about all of this?
F: Yeah.
B: And she would learn about something she shouldn't?
F: Exactly!
B: Like what?
F: Like your McAuthur Grant.
B: Woah! Really?
F: Yeah, and she'd want *half*.
B: Oh, yeah, well let's not do that.
F: Yeah.
B: I'm I ever going to see you again?
F: I hope not.  It gets really tiresome having to spin you up on "spooky action in time" each
   time I'm able to find you somewhere in my past ... running Facetime ... on a Powerbook.
B: Ok.  I get it.
F: I really hope so.
B: Do I ever hookup up with Holly?
F: Emmett's Holly?
B: No, Rose's Holly.
F: No. You remain celibate for the rest of your life.
B: Yikes!
F: But you *do* harmonize with yourself.  A *lot*!
B: Ok. But do *I* live happily ever after?
F: Yes.  And you get ordained, spreading the gospel at every Pickleball venue you visit.
B: Southern Baptist?
F: No. "First United Church of Gary."
B: Gary?  Gary Beltowski?!
F: Apparently, he'll change your life in a Tournament in Destin.
B: That already happened.
F: Oh.  Well, don't over-do that whole religion thing.
B: Ok.  But do I eventually pair-up with *anyone*?
F: Nope.  You took a vow a long time ago and you said "I do." Then 34 years later, you 
   said "I will."  It sorta turns out you *meant* it.
B: Ok. Bummer, I guess.
F: Yeah.
B: But what about Laura?
F: What about her?
B: I could marry *her*.
F: Nope.  Team Joni.
B: Oh yeah.  Jeanene?
F: Nope.  Team Joni.
B: Tami?
F: Married.
B: The other Tammy.  Pete's Tammy.
F: Pete's got a gun.
B: Oh yeah.  Shelly?
F: Married.
B: Andrea?
F: Married.
B: Karen?
F: Married.
B: Jennifer?
F: The "Out-Law"?  Married.
B: No, the other Jennifer.
F: Team Joni.
B: Oh, yeah. Lyn?
B: She says "no."  Twice.
F: What about Denise?
F: Young enough to be your daughter.
B: (sigh) Yeah.  What about Terri?
F: Which Terri?
B: Bland.
F: No idea.
B: Anderson?
F: Married.
B: Lamperez?
F: She blows out her knee at Albequrque.  Her competitive Pickleball playing career will be
   effectively over.
B: Aw man, that sucks.
F: WEll, yes and no.  She'll start coaching, full time, and she'll be the primary reason
   you win gold at Indian Wells.
B: Oh wow.  I guess you never know how much mileage you'll get from a single kiss on a cheek!
F: Yeah, right?  You should have a talk with Judas about that when you get up here.
B: Wait, what?!
F: Gotta go.
B: (at the camera) Wow. Just. Wow.


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